Yorkies are good for the soul :)

Today was a good day!  I sat at home, caught up on some housework and cuddled my furry little loves.  I have the two most wonderful babies!  Chloe turned two last March and Maci will be two in November.  They are both Yorkies and they both weigh a little over 6 pounds.  The unconditional love of a dog if often taken for granted, but not today, not by me.  My girls know when I’m down and exactly how to cheer me up! 

They drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, but I could not imagine facing the day without them.  The girls are often my only company and sometimes the only people (yes, people!) I actually speak to all day long when Chris is away from home and I’m not feeling chatty enough to call a friend.

One a side note- I HATE talking on the phone.  I have no idea why.  I was that 16 year old that would literally talk for hours and now to get me to answer my phone is almost painful!  I’ve been like that most of my adult life, but it has definitely worsened with our infertility struggle.  I’m out of things to say to people.  I don’t want to discuss my infertility, or my loneliness, or my anger…yet it’s all I think about so I don’t have anything else to say.  I have wonderful friends.  Some live very close and some live far away.  Lately, I haven’t talked much to any of them.  Most friends without kids don’t understand your extreme desire and most friends with kids are difficult to talk to, at best.  Two of my absolute BEST friends have kids.  One has two beautiful planned children and sometimes they’re angels and sometimes they’re holy terrors, but I love them.  It’s just difficult to be around them.  I know that T (their mother) doesn’t understand why I avoid her, sometimes I don’t understand.  On the off chance that I do make myself get up, get dressed and go see them I feel great.  It’s getting that motivation that is often the problem.  My other dearest friend is E.  E’s little girl was a surprise.  I found out that E got pregnant “accidentally” right after our 2^nd clomid cycle failed.  Wow.  That was hard.  I wanted so badly to be happy for her, but in reality I was pissed.  Pissed at her for being fertile, pissed at God for my bad luck and pissed at myself because rationally I knew that all of this was ridiculous.  Eventually, I was able to be happy for her.  Now I get to watch her on her journey at parenthood and it is truly amazing.   She is a wonderful mother.  A better mother than I think she expected to be and I feel truly honored to get to watch this progression.  That doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard to talk to her.
 I just have nothing to say anymore.  At least nothing I can say.  Almost any comment I make comes with the typical reply of “it will happen” or “just be patient” or “all in good time” or “have you thought about adoption yet”.  NONE of this is at all what I want to hear.  I don’t understand why people find it so difficult to simply say, “I’m sorry” or “I understand that is how you feel”.  Not I understand how you feel, but that someone actually gets WHY I might feel that way.  This is all of course if I bring up the topic of kids, babies or infertility- which is difficult not to do when that is ALL you think about ALL the time.   Most of the time the only response I want is, "That sucks" and then sit with me until I say something else about anything else and just go with it.
 I do have one friend who is newly engaged.  I have no problem talking to her!  It’s something I can talk about that doesn’t make me feel sad or inadequate or lonely.  We discuss her wedding, her plans and it is a much-needed hiatus from my own mind.  I appreciate her more than she realizes right now. 

Whoa.  Long side note! Back to my babies: They fight like sisters, they cuddle like babies, they feed themselves as long as I leave food down for them and the best part? NO diapers to change!   They make my heart happy and they’re sometimes the only people in the world that can cheer me up!

When you want something so badly for so long.  It becomes easy to forget the good things in your life.  My girls are the highlight of many of my days and I AM thankful for that!

Welcome......

Welcome to my life, my hopes & dreams and often....my own personal hell.  

If I have to hear another story about someones husbands sisters boyfriends 2nd cousin twice removed who went through the EXACT same thing that I am going through and now they have 3 kids... 

I. WILL. SCREAM.  

Everyone's struggle with infertility is different.  Some have it harder, some easier, some end in triumph, some end in tears, some end in exasperation.  Some couples survive the struggle and are stronger for it and some learn that they are not strong enough together to walk this difficult road.  Some find comfort in God, some find that God seems to be difficult to find through the pain.  Some people lean on their friends and some alienate them until they stand alone.  Regardless of how you deal with your infertility- it is YOUR journey and yours and your husbands alone.  No one else will ever walk that exact same road, no one else comes from the exact same background and no one else can ever know how hard  your road is.  

Facts about MY infertility struggle:

I feel as though I'm going through this alone, although I know that my husband hopes and hurts as much as I do.

I believe my marriage will survive this.  Regardless of how our story "ends".

I was that girl that believed that everything happens for a reason and that faith could get me through anything.  Recently God seems difficult for me to find.

I am the "suffer in silence" kind of girl.  Hence, this blog.  I hold so much in and then when I let it out, it's not pretty.  I alienate my friends, I hibernate in my own home and I, admittedly, often feel sorry for myself.  I also pull my shit together and go to work and try to make a genuine effort to keep the friends I still have.  I take my frustration out on my husband, who is also my best friend.  That man must love me more than I could know to be able to put up with me some days :)

Some days this blog will feel somber, others it will be hopeful.  As we travel along this journey I am optimistic that there will be more and more hopeful posts than somber ones.

We will try IVF again.  Soon.  For now my mind, body and soul need a break.

Todays quote:  "If this is God's plan then I want no part in it."